"We have never illegally dumped any toxic waste, sir. We store it in the factory with the workers."

Hitchhike
"At the end of our lunch break I asked a naive co-worker if he had seen the figure of a guy hitchhiking on the back of the new quarter coin," says Tony Di Jiocomo (UAW Local 1542) of New Castle, Del. "He said he hadn't and looked fervently up and down but, to his chagrin, couldn't locate him. I told him to give it one last look, and I'd point it out. I stared at the coin a few seconds and then said, 'The joker must have gotten a ride.'"

The shop rumor
"One night while working 10 hours, my upgrade came up to me and yelled, 'Nine four,'" recalls Barb Burke (UAW Local 551) of Merrillville, Ind. "'Are you sure?' I asked, 'If you're lying, we'll be waiting in the parking lot.' I was excited about getting off early for a change and started telling everyone. The guy came by a while later to tell me the game was over, 'Cubs win!' I asked, 'When you said 'nine four' what were you talking about?' 'Cubs game, of course.' See how easy rumors start?"

This sounds about right!
The Americans and the Japanese decided to engage in a competitive boat race. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance.

On the big day, they all felt ready. The Japanese won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team was discouraged by the loss. Morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. So a consulting firm was hired to investigate the problem and recommend corrective action.

The consultant's finding: The Japanese team had eight people rowing and one person steering; the American team had one person rowing and eight people steering.

After a year of study and millions spent analyzing the problem, the consulting firm concluded that too many people were steering and not enough were rowing on the American team.

So as race day neared the following year, the American team's management structure was completely reorganized. The new structure: four steering managers, three area steering managers and a new performance review system for the person rowing the boat to provide work incentive.

That year, the Japanese won by two miles. Humiliated, the American team laid off the rower for poor performance and gave the managers a bonus for discovering the problem.

The gospel truth
Paul Stevens (UAW Local 1653) of Greenville, Pa., tells the story about the little boy who hurried up to the altar after church services and handed the preacher a dollar bill. "You should have put that in the basket when we took collection," said the preacher. "Oh no," said the boy, "I want you to have this. Every Sunday when we go home, dad tells everyone we have the poorest preacher in town."

T-shirts for workplace humor

We're looking for a few good stories to tell every issue. If you've got one, send it along to:

"Workplace Humor"
Solidarity
8000 E. Jefferson Ave
Detroit, MI 48214.

Or you can fax it to us at 313-331-1520 or e-mail it to uawsolidarity@CompuServe.com

Include your local number. If we use your story, you'll get a UAW T-shirt.